Friday, November 6, 2009
So I always had people just keep pounding me with questions and for some reason, there are always the same. I decided to do this self interview just to answer some of it.
1. Why are so God damn freaking sensitive bout' your weight?
Well, if you know me well enough, you'd know since I was young, I've been compared to stick people and that's kind of left me with a fear of being fat. Hence, I do everything I can to not gain weight. It's not anything but a mental state of mind that I have. I think it's something I need to deal with and people should stop pestering me about it. Be like Farmaz, Joey and Azeera, if I gain weight, they tell me I have. Simple. It keeps me mentally stable and stops me from becoming obese. I think my life would be good if I'm thin, so there.
2. Who is your best friend?
First person who comes to mind is of course my doughnut, Josh. He's been there for me even though he's miles away with his emails and calls. He transcends the title of a best friend. Couldn't imagine me without him. However, if we're talking about girl best friends, I have close friends but not best friends. Now that I think bout' it, I never did have a girl best friends. Friendship that are so called 'best' doesn't involve so much drama, tears, pain and fights. If a friendship makes you jump over cliffs and you falling, well.. then I'm sorry but it was never a friendship.
3. Are you really yourself with people?
Sometimes. Thing is I don't know who I am as a person really. I'm still figuring that out cause the person I am in school is sometimes not the same person at home and the person at home is not the same person during Baha'i activities. I'm hoping by next year, I just get this figured out. On the plus side though, I know all these sides of me are me, I just don't know which side is the main part. It's like now I'm having plenty of side dishes, I just need to figure which is the main dish.
4. Who do you hate?
Hate is really such a strong word. I do have people I'm annoyed by that I think should just learn to grow up and face the fact if everyone is not liking you, then it's not a problem with everyone else, it's a problem with you. I hate to say this but even though I forgive, I can never forget so anyone who has hurt me, it's there in my mind all the time. Therefore, I may have this opinion about them that may be associated with dislike but never hate.
5. Are you really happy?
Honestly? I am! I mean I am the happiest I've ever been so I don't know how to be more happy. I mean yeah sure, I have those days where everything sucks but those days are far and few in between. I love my life now. Would I change it? Nah. I'm in a good place.
6. Have you changed?
Yeah, for the better I think. I don't associate with people who bring negativity in my life. Hence, I'm always surrounded by positivity and I myself become positive. I'm much more real now and down to earth and I realize people are going to have their flaws. And it's okay if I have my flaws. I'm friendlier and not intimidating anymore. You know though, I don't trust people anymore. Maybe I will one day, but right now I feel comfortable not trusting cause I don't wanna let myself be vulnerable to hurt.
7. What do you think of yourself?
I think I'm alright. I'm not the best but I'm high on the list. I could be better and I will be. One day at a time. I don't really take much bad stuff talked bout' me anymore. And I don't confront people like I use to. So I think I'm an okay human being. Decent enough, don't cha think so?
8. Why are you boy crazy?
Um, thing is.. I'm not. People just think I am. I don't think bout' boys or girls every night and day. I just like staring at hot guys and getting a tiny bit of attention for them. I guess maybe I over exaggerate what goes on in my mind sometimes. I can live without boys la. C'mon. I just play the boy crazy card every time someone expects me to.
9. You being single?! HAH!
Because of getting the wrong assumption that I am so called boy crazy, people think me being single is a miracle. Well, I've been single for 11 months now and I'm still striving on. I can be without a guy. Yeesh.
10. Are you really the sensitive and caring person or are you faking it?
Actually I fake my non caring side and my egoistical side. Yeah, I might be high maintenance but I never ever not care. I may act like it but I do care. I show my soft side very rarely but.. the nice motherly side of me is much stronger than the authority and I'm too good for people side. I guess I just don't let people see it. I might be scared to get hurt so I put on this facade that I'm this strong girl that doesn't care about the world when actually I do.
11. Backbiting, a big no or depends?
Um, it's in a reality a big no for me and I seriously don't like it but I do sometimes backbite and I'm very ashamed by it. So when people do it, I just keep quiet. But I have a problem that if I'm angry, words just come flying out whether it's to the face or behind your back. I'm working on it. Sorry.
12. How do you choose your friends?
Haha, a lot of people ask me this. I usually go for the unique one of a kind friends. I choose my friends very precisely and made some crappy choices in the past but so far, I've been doing better. I also choose friends who need to lean on me so I feel like I'm beneficial to them. I tend to choose friends who'd also take my hand when I need em'.
13. What do you think appearance wise bout' yourself?
Honestly, I think I look like crap. Compared to a lot of people, I do. I think I'm fat and ugly. I have a lot of confidence in a lot of things but for some reason, appearance was never one of em'. I think I need to lose weight, get permanent hair removal, fix my hair and get a facial.
14. Why do you keep changing friends?
It's cause my friends keep screwing me over I guess. To me they do but maybe to them, it's a different story. Plus, when someone changes, the people around them change too. Friends are people who will come into your life with a lesson to bring and once that lesson is done, they leave. I've accepted that actually.
15. Have you really given up on love?
In a way, yeah I have. But a very big part of me hasn't. I made some shitty choices but I've learned from em'. I don't know if what I had with him was love but it was much more than any other relationship I had. I'm really young and I have a lot of time on my hands so love will come when it comes. I believe in love but will I be able to allow myself to love a person, well that's a whole different story. Like I said, if it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, I always have my safety net who I already can't live without.
16. How is life now?
Life is stressful with exams and all. But well, it's just another thing we have to go through. You know that appearance question is really bugging me. I should do something about it. Confidence has never been a problem, I just wanna be perfect.
17. Are there people you wished weren't in your life?
Um, honestly no. I learned a lot from everyone. Even people from the past. Every single person in life has a reason of being there. I just need to be open minded and learn from them.
18. If there is one thing you could change bout' your personality, what would it be?
I would love to change the fact that I tend to allow myself to snap at the closest people to me and I freaking hate it actually. I'm just gonna have to change that slowly. One step at a time.
19. Are you okay being alone?
Hm, I mean I have my moments where I wish I had someone to cuddle up to but nah, I think I'm good alone. I wanna be the best version of me before I allow myself to get into a relationship. 2010 is the time of change. Good change.
20. So what now?
Now, I should go to sleep because I have to wake up in four hours for school. This was very freeing. I should do it more often. Just know that I love you all. Even if we're not close or anything. I couldn't be me without anyone that use to be in my life.
I hope this kinda put these questions to rest. If anymore come up, I'll post part two.
XOXO,
Jules
12:50:00 AM